Maintaining an Active Tempo in Your Divorce

Who really controls the tempo of a lawsuit?  Are the parties dragging their feet?  Are the lawyers creating more work than necessary?  Are the court systems backlogged?  If you want to control the tempo of your divorce, you must be proactive in the divorce process.  And in order to be proactive, you must first understand the realities of the divorce process.

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Law is a business.  And lawyers are in business to make money.  In many cases, lots of it.  In most civil cases, you need the sage advice of a person educated in statutory and case law to protect your legal rights and interests, and to advocate on your behalf.  However, there are some civil disputes, such as divorce or modification of child support, which do not require legal counsel.  Do-it-yourself divorces and pro se (representing yourself) litigants are on the rise, especially as the economy continues to put the squeeze on families financially and people simply cannot afford to hire lawyers.  Remember:  You didn’t need a lawyer to get married, and you don’t need one to get divorced.  

Whether your relationship is contentious or amicable, once attorneys are involved in resolving your domestic dispute, costs begin to soar.  It is an incontrovertible truth that lawyers are financially incented to work up a file, and often get in the way of timely and reasonable resolution.  It is

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Proving cohabitation is challenging, especially when you are dealing with a deceptive ex-spouse and a co-conspiring paramour, who are both motivated by the desire to continue to fleece you of your hard-earned money.  While the law in many states provides for termination or reduction of alimony when the recipient ex-spouse is cohabitating with a member of the opposite sex “in the manner of husband and wife, mutually assuming those rights and duties usually attendant upon the marriage relationship,” the unfortunate reality is that what demonstrates “cohabitation” is ill-defined. 

Typically, cohabitation is shown by evidence of financial, social and sexual interdependence.  However, courts have recognized that cohabitation is more than merely a common residence or a sexual relationship.  Cohabitation connotes mutual assumption of the duties and obligations associated with marriage.  This can be shown by a sharing of the same residence, as well as things such as shared assets or common bank accounts, joint contribution to household expenses, recognition of the relationship by the community, and other co-supportive contributions.  

This gray definition of cohabitation leaves payers of alimony at great risk and recipients in an inequitably powerful position.  Through lies, cheating and deception, the recipient ex-spouse can engage

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Financial issues are often cited as the number one reason couples divorce.  So it stands to reason, then, that at a time when our country is suffering with 9.1% unemployment and a volatile market, divorce rates would begin to trend upward.... higher than the current statistics which reveal that 50% of first marriages and 65% of second marriages end in divorce.  Some statistics cite the average cost of a divorce to be $15,000.  However, given my exposure to family lawyers' rates and my own personal experience, I would challenge that figure as grossly underestimated.  Mediation offers couples an alternative, which is not only financially palatable, but is also substantially less stressful than litigation.  In the hands of a competent mediator, couples can part ways and maintain their dignity, their sanity and their financial resources. 

Consider this:  35 year old man, divorced six years ago in an amicable, non-litigious fashion.  He and his ex-wife had their respective attorneys draw up a mutually agreeable Property Settlement Agreement, which addressed alimony and child support in a comprehensive 27-page document.  Fast-forward a few years, and the ex-wife took on a lover.  In and of itself, this was not a

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If you and/or your (former) spouse have spent more than thought you would spend to get divorced, you’ve probably spent too much. 

Five things you should know before you hire an attorney to handle your divorce or modification case:

1.  Only a handful of attorneys are truly "family lawyers."  Hire someone who  (a ) is certified in family law and/or mediation, (b) has experienced support staff, and. (c) will allow you to negotiate his/her retainer fee and hourly rates.  If you anticipate that your case will be litigious, a larger firm may be to your advantage because there will be support staff to assist with your file at lesser hourly rates.

2.  If you believe that your divorce will be friendly, opt for mediation or collaborative law approach.

3.  Be wary of an excessively high "refundable" retainer, or one that debits the initial consultation as hours towards the retainer.  Your initial consultation, if you retain the attorney, should be

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Here’s the typical scenario:  You know she’s living with another man.  She knows she’s living with another man, and that in doing so, her alimony is at risk for reduction or termination.  But she also knows that it’s your burden to prove that she’s cohabitating, and she knows that it’s difficult and expensive to prove.  She denies, denies, denies.  She has the upper hand, and she knows it.  Unless you have at least $20,000 to pay an investigator to conduct continuous and ongoing surveillance of the residence and the parties’ comings and goings for two months or more, you are facing an uphill battle. 

So, what are your options?  How do you prove this critical element of cohabitation?   While the law in many states provides for termination or reduction of alimony when the recipient ex-spouse is cohabitating with a member of the opposite sex “in the manner of husband and wife, mutually assuming those rights and duties usually attendant upon the marriage relationship,” the unfortunate reality is that what demonstrates “cohabitation” is ill-defined. 

Clearly, one of the obvious criteria for proving cohabitation is simply that the parties are living together.  But, how can you establish a

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